When I was in Benidorm on the Costa Blanca in Spain, I was going through a bit of culture shock at seeing bare breasted women for the first time. There was one particular specimen that really was so grand that in a just world would have all straight men and every lesbian within sight to stand up and applaud. She was movie-star gorgeous. My friend Alex just walked up to her and asked her if she would like to have some tapas with us. She said something in French which luckily Alex knew also. He spoke 5 languages. He was Russian and did not give a fuck that she was the most beautiful woman on the planet. She agreed and proceeded to cover her gloriously large, round, supple breast.
Cursing in Spanish has so much more meaning than in English or any other language for that matter because there are words you can say to a Spaniard that will incite them to violence. I was very interested in these words and had already learned them from our exchange student Daniel. Now, I must warn you to never ever repeat the words I am about to say to any Spaniard but Alex deserved these words for his deplorable crime against humanity. The absolute worst thing you can say to a Spaniard translates roughly as, ‘I shit on the body of the virgin Mary while you were being born.’ I told Alex exactly that.
She smelled like that heavenly sun tan oil all over her tanned body. Her name was Nicole. So we go to this bar and it’s holy week in Europe which is spring break here. There are just thousands of people everywhere and as we’re walking to the bar, Nicole is stopping traffic with every man in sight cat calling her and all that. So her and Alex are chatting up a storm in French and Alex gestures toward me and says something something French ‘Tomas’.
‘Oh you’re American?’ in *perfect* English.
I nearly passed out that she was talking to me. So there were about ten of us and our drinks and tapas arrive and we sit down at a table. So you understand, not one of my friends speaks a lick of English. The night I got there, we went into a bowling alley with my trusty English/Spanish dictionary and I glance at it and look up a few words and they say in Spanish, “Oh that must be a Mexican dictionary. We don’t know what that means.’ So after about 4 tries I throw the damn dictionary in the garbage. I’ve spent every waking hour with these guys for 3 weeks and not one of these guys speaks a word of English. They do miraculously know the lyrics to Bon Jovi songs only they were fucking awful. It sounded like, ‘chot tu ta har an tor tu game`darren tu gib lub a baa name.’
So here I am at a table with the most spectacular specimen of the sex trying to keep my jaw attached to my skull and Alex suggest that I tell Nicole a joke.
“Yes, yes please do Tomas.”
Like I could possibly say no to her.
Me: Four nuns die and arrive at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter is there and asks the first nun if she had ever touched a penis?
“Yes,” she admits. “I once touched a penis with the tip of my finger.”
“Dip your finger into the holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven,” says Saint Peter. The nun dips her finger in the holy water and enters heaven.
Saint Peter asks the same question of the second nun.
“Yes,” she admits. “I once touched a penis with one hand.”
“Dip your hand into the holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven,” says Saint Peter. The second nun complies and enters heaven.
At this point, the fourth nun abruptly cuts in line.
“Hang on!” she says, pointing at the third nun. “You’d better let me go next, because there’s no way I’m gargling that shit after she sticks her ass in it!”
I’m staring Nicole dead in her beautiful blue eyes. She erupts in laughter. But there is a strange sound coming from the gallery of my friends. I turn and look at these miserable rotten Judas Iscariot motherfuckers and they are slapping their hands on the table! Thippi is literally crying. David has fallen on the ground. Alex is doubled over because every single one of these miserable bastards not only speak English, they’re as fluent as I am!
Apparently, they were under the strictest orders from my Aunt Betsy to not utter a word of English to me while I was there and finally the jig was up and every single one of these Judas Iscariot motherfuckers were going to pay in blood for fucking with me! This of course launched them into a tsunami of laughter as I smacked each one of these bastards upside the head! Snot and tears were coming out of all of us we were laughing so hard.
So I explain to Nicole the treachery she has just witnessed. This was entertaining to say the least. So we are drinking Anis which is Anisette like licorice liquor. It’s really cold and delicious. So the ladies get up and go to the bathroom. I am about two sheets to the wind and as they come back through the bar, there was a gauntlet of men. Alex and I are the only ones sans girlfriends. So I am watching Nicole navigate the gauntlet when she turns and smacks this guy.
Judas Iscariot Alex was about 6’3″ and maybe 230 pounds. He was sitting right next to me only he could handle his booze having a Russian liver and all. He had some gold chains on his neck and he had to shave twice a day because his beard grew that much. He suddenly became and Olympic long jumper because he leaped out of his seat and picked this grab-assing bitch by the neck and carried him over to Nicole who was clearly upset.
“Please Nicole, address this thing in any way you like.”
She began slapping him in what can only be described as a French conniption fit. This went on for maybe 2 minutes and then the other women had a turn slapping him as much as they liked. Then David torqued him down to his knees.
“And what would you like to say to these ladies?”
I don’t know what he said exactly but believe me, he was all kinds of sorry. The cops had come by then and they just stood by as David administered some justice. Then he disappeared into the night arm in arm with the cops.
It was one of he best nights of my life. For years afterwards, I used to dream about her and what it would be like to wake up next to a woman like that after a night of unbridled passion. Surely nothing ever could be better. Until tonight, that was all I could ever imagine that heaven could be. Then I thought of something that might equal it.
Watching any Trump doing a perp walk.